My latest work.

My latest work is a crime mystery thriller about a teenage lifeguard that gets intoxicated at his 17th birthday pool party and accidentally drowns due to clowning around on the diving board. His friends who are also lifeguards and girlfriend are preoccupied so they don’t help him or notice til it’s too late. Everyone else thinks it’s one of his pranks for attention like he’s always pulling. After the investigation and funeral, he meets with Balthazar the devil because he hasn’t been a good kid and he tells him he should get revenge on his friends and mother for what happened to him and in return he will go easy on him when he returns and let him be their eternal torturer. He agrees and goes back and slowly murders his friends one by one but is destroyed before he can murder his mother, the forensics girl is the one who figures out what is going on and she finds the way to destroy him before he can hurt anyone else.

So, does this sound cliche ish? Or does it sound like a good story to write? A good idea or not? I am in the stage of developing the characters and the setting and plot more right now. Right now it’s a short story but I’d like to make it novel length. Any ideas on what to elaborate on?

Ok well I look forward to hearing your feedback and as always have fun writing.

Photo Prompt.

This is my first writing prompt I am posting.

I’d love to read what you guys come up with write your story or poem and link back to this post or add your story or poem in the comments I’ll feature the stories in subsequent posts. I’ll also post my story using this prompt in a new post.

I’m thinking of doing this once a week here on my blog let me know what you guys think of that idea. I welcome all suggestions and comments.

Have a good day and as always have fun writing I look forward to reading all your replies.

The Silent Sentinels

A post based on a prompt based on the picture below from Writers Unite

The Silent Sentinels

            Like soldiers guarding a fortress these colorful huts have stood in line guarding the road for years. They have withstood the tests of time. Year after year standing silently listening, watching as the town grew and changed all around them. Never wavering from their posts along the dry and crooked road. The paint my dry and peel in the sun as it bakes through the years, but they don’t complain they just keep standing and keeping watching. At night during the witching hour if you walk the dark street you might hear the faint murmuring between some of the huts, but you’ll think it’s your imagination or is it? Some of the locals say these huts have been here so long they say they hear them murmuring to each other late at night about the days goings on.

            Some of the old women say that the missing children aren’t missing they are really trapped in one of the huts, because it is a doorway to the nether realm. They don’t say which one of the huts, so no one knows which one to stay away from, so everyone says they are just foolish old women. But what if that were true, there are children that go missing not that many and the last place they are seen alive is around these huts late in the evening. No one wants to dig into until that is the day the Mayors daughter goes missing and she is last seen playing at the far end of the huts in the late evening. Now there is some truth to the huts luring children in. The Mayor is a very Robust and gruff man, who is used to getting what he wants when he wants and when he doesn’t gets very red in the face. He is extremely over-weight and waddles everywhere he goes and is always out of breathe. The whole town believes the little girl is not his, but is afraid to say anything to his face for fear of reprisal or of what he will do to his wife and the child.

            The morning after she disappears he waddles down the line of silent sentinels yelling in each ones face that if they don’t give him back his daughter he will knock them down one by one! He is getting redder and redder and more out of breathe the more he walks and talks. After an hour of this and no answers from the sentinels to time, he starts banging on their doors with his big balls of meat he calls fists. The whole huts shakes at the banging, but still the silent sentinels stand not wavering from their positions. Still not saying a word, well would you expect a wooden building to answer? No? and neither did any of the towns people, but the Mayor was convinced the huts had stolen his daughter and sent her to the Netherworld. This display of futility went on most of the day, utterly worn out by the expenditure of energy which he wasn’t used to the Mayor collapsed in front of the last door it was the blue hut.

            He lay in a heap in front of the doors and cried into the doors “Please give my daughter back to me, she is all I have in this world and all I care about in this world. I’ll give you anything if you give her back to me.” He then lay his head on his hands and wept uncontrollably his huge body heaving under his weight with the force of his sobs. Most of the towns people by now had left, because the spectacle was too much to bare. Just then came a sigh an earthy, woody, mellow sigh coming from inside the blue hut and the doors opened and out came the Mayors daughter unharmed. The Mayor stood up and wiped his eyes on the back of his sleeve and the little girl ran into his fathers arms. “Daddy, I had the most wonderful time, I wish you could have been there, why are you sad? I wasn’t gone long. I have some new play friends, you will meet them someday soon I promise. Let’s go home now, I am hungry.” The mayor hugged his daughter close and smiled at the blue hut and mouthed a thank-you to it.

I Stand Alone.

I was born to this world a long time ago when all around me was young and green and lush and untouched by human hands. Now as I look around I see destruction and my friends being cut down to build these constructions called houses for these humans to live in. Destroying the beauty and wonder of what used to be my home. I have etching in my side from couples who want to leave their love marks on me to be remembered for years to come, they don't know how much that hurts to have someone score their initials into your flesh like that and leave your underside bare to the elements until you heal. Then have them come back months or years later when that love dies to scratch out those initials to leave that wound bare to the elements again. To them we have no feelings, we are not like them flesh and blood and human so we have no rights or feelings. Why, do they feel like this? 

I have been here for over Seventy-Five years now and I have watched children grow into adults and have children and their children grow and have children, I have watched a town grow into a city. I have seen so much in my life. I have barely missed being cut down and used for lumber so many times. I stand here as a sentinel to life gone by alone now as my friends and relatives that once stood beside me and in front of me have been slaughtered one by one for the good of mankind or the benefit of mankind or so they think. I weep tears of sap every time a tree is cut down because they are losing more than just a tree they are losing a precious resource, we keep the air they breathe clean and breathable, one day they will no longer have us and won't be able to breathe the air, then they will miss us and want us back, but what will they do then?

If only they would plant a small sapling in place of a tree they are cutting down that would help us and them, but humans are a selfish creature, they destroy, until it is too late, then they try to recover and can't they have made species of flower, mold, fungi, insect, animal, rodent and bird and all kind of species go extinct with out even knowing it. Some they know abut but most go without noticing. Which is really sad. How can you live on a planet and not notice that species you co-exist with have gone extinct? I am a tree and I stand silent in one place and notice this. I stand alone now and notice that some of the animals and birds and insects have stopped coming around like they used to. 

The seasons are not changing like they used I have noticed that too. I used to change my leaves color around the beginning of September now I am not changing til around the middle of October or later, and then I don't feel Spring arriving til around the end of May and the temperatures around here are nothing like they used to be. Winters are like they used to be. I remember my roots being frozen and my trunk being covered in snow sometimes up to six feet high but now I am lucky to see a foot of snow and my roots hardly ever freeze. I mean that I am not complaining about too much because frost bite on the roots didn't feel too good, but not getting my annual freeze is not good either. It helps me grow. The seasons changing helps me to know when to send out my seeds and change colors for new leaves to grow and when to shed my old leaves and bark and grow a new ring, but without it I don't know when to do it.

I am not complaining about humans well, not the small humans because I love to see them playing around me in the summer and spring and dressed up in the fall. I love to hear them laugh, that is the only time now I don't feel alone. Any other time I stand completely alone here. A silent sentinel here to time, until it is my time to be cut down and used by the greedy, selfish, and destructive humans.



Picture prompt taken from https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/78955264/posts/12243

My new website

louisejacksonthewriter.com/

Feeling Sick….

But Still Carrying On…

Yesterday I called off work because I have been feeling sick for days and I just couldn’t see myself going to work while vomiting and having a fever and just generally feeling like dookie. Well, whenever I call in they make me feel like I call in all the time and I hardly ever call in. It is rare that I call in. I will sit here at work sick as a dog rather than call in, I even went to the Er yesterday and was told I had a stomach Flu and should not go to work today, but here I am sitting at work. 

I was raised by my grandfather who instilled in me that you don’t call off of work unless you are really sick and he instilled in me a strong work ethic. I have some people here that their work ethic leaves a lot to be desired. One guy calls off every week at least once a week and for the dumbest reasons. It’s like he doesn’t want to work, but he has to. He signs up to work over time and then says his wife tells him he can’t work it so he calls off or changes his mind the day before he is supposed to do it so we are left with a day to try and cover that shift. Needless to say he is one call off away from losing his job. 

Right now all I want to do is sit hugging the toilet bowl. But I have to sit here and watch these cameras and monitor these doors. Its not a hard job, but when you feel lousy like I do, it makes for a long and stressful night. To top it off I have a guard that thinks she is above doing her job and I am not supposed to tell her what to do even though I am her supervisor. She sits and watches movies on her phone and ignores the doors and the people she is supposed to be handing out badges to so I end up having to do it. I get very frustrated with her. She thinks that because she is 75 years old she doesn’t have to listen to anyone and can do whatever she wants. I go to my supervisor about it and she lies to him and says I don’t say anything to her or she isn’t doing what I say, so he has to waste his time and look on cameras to see who is telling the truth. Which to me is BS, because I have worked here longer and I am the supervisor, but whatever. 

I have known for a long time that these guys I work with think that I am full of hot air. They all think I am just a woman and bitching for no reason. I don’t know why because I don’t bitch unless there is a problem. But oh well. I am over it. Hopefully soon I start selling my books and can quit this dead end job and leave all the male chauvinism behind. I have learned a while ago at this job that if you aren’t a man you aren’t going anywhere and you are especially not going to be believed or listened to. I have been passed over for promotion 6 times by men with less qualifications, just because the company is run by men and they like to hire and have men in positions of power and status. I don’t know of any women in positions of power or status in this company. 

Anyway, back to feeling sick, it is not helped by the fact that I get the third degree when I call off. No one else does. And they call off a lot more than me. So, I am just biding my time now. I have a book I am putting my final touches to this weekend and then I am going to submit to Amazon self-publishing and start my journey down the path of authorship. And try to get off this merry-go-round of dead end male chauvinism job.

Anyway just wanted to get this off my chest today, sorry that my feeling bad turned this into a rant or vent but had to get this off my chest. I am going to go and write a short story or something and take my mind off of it and then post that later. Bye for now. XOXOX

My Faith If you Can Call It That….

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I have been calling myself a Witch since the year 1999. I have been following my own path in spirituality since then also. I do not fall into any specific path I am Eclectic. I follow the cycles of the Moon and the Sun and the Earth and the Seasons. I venerate all life and yet I believe all things have choices and no other thing should make choices for another. I believe in free choice. I believe in a woman’s freedom of choice over what she does with her own body and what is inside of her body. So recently when the Texas Governor made the decision to take that right away from women it made me very uncomfortable and outright mad! Who is he a man to say what a woman can do with her body? There are circumstances where a woman should be able to abort a fetus. Now there are some cases where I believe yes they should step in and say no i’m sorry that’s not possible that’s a totally selfish reason, but in the case of rape or children or molestation victims then they shouldn’t be made to suffer, they have suffered enough. 

Now some may call me a devil worshiper and many a time I have had to put these people back in their place and let them know that in order to be a devil worshiper I would first have to believe in him which I don’t and second I would have to be Christian because he is a Christian Ideal and I also not that. I do not believe in Heaven or Hell so no I can’t burn in Hell either. Sorry to disappoint you there too. I believe in reincarnation. I believe every soul has a mission and it will keep coming back until it has fulfilled that mission, then it will pass into the afterlife or decide to have another mission to fulfill and come back as someone or something different until it has learned everything it wants to know. I do not believe it is one and done for a person. I think that is very limiting and well quite frankly boring. 

I do perform spells, but I do not perform spells that will affect someone else’s will, I believe that is unethical and I also believe in the power of three, so I never send anything out to harm anyone because it will come back to harm me three times worse and I already have enough bad luck I don’t need anything coming back three times worse. I only send good vibes out into the universe. I don’t meddle in the affairs of dark magick and I would never hex or curse anyone, thats just bad juju. I have never practiced Voodoo or Hoodoo, they are just scary to me. Dark magick is scary to me because you just don’t know what you are getting yourself into. You don’t know what forces you are waking up when you are messing with that stuff. Now I do know some Witches who do that and that’s all well and good for them, but that’s not for me. 

I perform my Moon magick and spells and rituals and I work with my Mother Goddesses. I do not work with a God, yes some say this is a little one sided magick, but after having a male God centered Religion forced on me until I was in my 20’s I have had enough and I am now very happy with my Mother centered religion and don’t feel at all out of balance, I actually feel more in balance than ever before. I actually feel at home with this faith. It is like I came home as it were when I found this faith. It is hard to explain. I never understood Christianity, I always had so many questions and when I would ask them I would be told I was be heretical or I was blaspheming and to stop asking so many questions and just believe, but I couldn’t, but with this faith it just makes sense. 

Now, some of you may read this and try to convert me and I would please ask you not, I have had that all my life now since 1999, and it won’t work. Believe me I have tried every faith there is and none of them work or make sense to me. I also would ask that you please don’t unfollow me just because you don’t agree with this post, we all have different views and opinions, I don’t agree with every post on your blogs but I still follow you. I would also ask that no one start giving me hate messages. I have said nothing to warrant that.

Book Review

Thinner, Leaner, Stronger

I am currently reading the book by Mike Matthews called Thinner, Leaner, Stronger. he claims to be able to show you a program where in just 30 days you can see results of a thinner leaner and stronger body by following his healthy diet and fitness regime, which he says only takes up 5% of your time. I am skeptical because I have read many books and followed many diets and when they claim these things they are usually full of BS.

I am reading this though with an open mind and I am going to give it a try. After this book he has a companion book called the your one challenge which I am going to review and try next. For the first few pages he shows a ton of before and after pictures of women, which is fine, but it gets a little overwhelming seeing so many women’s before and after pictures especially since most weren’t that unhealthy or out of shape looking in the first place. Some were where I would love to be right now.  

Then he has a chapter where he tells his story and why he wants to help women get the results they so desire, which is really reassuring and helpful because most health guru books don’t have this and don’t go into why they wrote their book or why they want to help or why they are fit to give their advice. He has been a health coach and dietitian for many years and therefore I feel is educated enough to give advice to people. I like to know that the person writing a book about diet and exercise is actually educated in that area and is not just some Joeshmo off the street who feel they can because they have struggled with it and have found something that works so now they are going to tell everyone.

The rest of the book outlines the plan and the “diet” although it is more of a healthy eating plan than a diet and it shows you how to work the phases of the program so when you take on the year challenge you are fully prepared for what it entails. I am enjoying reading this book and feel that when I am finished I will be fully prepared and motivated enough and ready to take on the year challenge of Thinner, Leaner Stronger. So follow me for this journey if you will. I will be outlining the plan as I go through it.

My Struggle With Weight Loss.

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I have been a big person ever since I can remember. I was a chunky child. I have a healthy appetite. The only time I can remember being at a weight I was happy with was when I was in the Army and I was 120lbs then, but I was also running twice a day and doing physical fitness and constantly on the go. Now I am an unhealthy 200lbs and I hate every minute of it. I want so badly to be healthy and lose the weight, but I am always tired and I work all the time. I know they are excuses and if I really wanted to lose weight I would, but here lately I just can’t seem to muster up the energy to do anything let alone get up and workout.

I have all the best intentions. I make a workout plan for the month ahead and plan every day out and I plan my meals out and then the Monday comes and I set my alarm to go off at 8am so I can get up and workout and start the day off right, and what do I do? I roll over turn it off and go back to sleep. I tell myself I’ll only sleep for an hour and then get up and workout. But it turns out to be an hour and a half or most of the day. Then it is time to get up shower and get ready to go to work. I then end up getting mad at myself and hating myself for ruining another week of workouts.

I tell myself I’ll start tomorrow then, but tomorrow never comes. The only thing I seem to be consistent with here lately is, is with my writing and sleep. At least that is a good thing because I really want to make it as an author. I want to make it as a career, I am tired of making pennies at being a security supervisor when I know I am a talented writer. No, I am not being big-headed or blowing my own horn about it, I have just been working so hard and have been told by too many people that I am talented at it, that they can’t all be wrong. Well, I guess they could. I don’t know. 

So, I am going to try again at this weight loss and fitness thing. I mean I managed it once, I can do it again. I managed to lose over 40lbs once I should be able to do that again. I am definitely going to start tomorrow. I have a dance fitness program that helped me lose the 40lbs last time that I am going to try again. Hopefully it will help again. I am going for 50lbs this time. So, this is going to be my beginning post for this journey. I am going to keep posting about this journey once a week and i will post what works and what doesn’t and how I failed and how I kept going.

So, I will tell you that I am starting figure 8 fitness tomorrow September 15th 2021 at a weight of 200lbs. I want to be at least 180lbs by December 25th 2021. So I will give a weekly weigh in and what my weekly meals and progress is.

Time Stood Still.

Time Stood Still.

Standing grandly in the corner of the dusty and cold living room was the grandfather clock that had been passed down for generations in the family, It was a silent sentry to all the goings on in the house. Tonight it was bearing witness to a crime. As he struck midnight the rain pounded on the roof and the windows like it wanted in. Everyone in the house was asleep except for the lady of the house who suffered from a severe case of insomnia. Marie was up at all hours of the night and took comfort in the fact she could always rely on the clock to tell the time and keep her company on these lonely nights when everyone in the house was asleep.

 

Tonight was no different she sat on the couch fire crackling in the fire place, book in hand and rain pounding on the windows. It was getting cold now that it was turning from summer to fall up here in the north of Ohio. Usually she liked the changing of the weather but this year it seems like it has gotten colder sooner than normal, this could only mean one thing, a bad winter was to come. Good job she had a nice fireplace and lots of cut wood in the wood shed. Mr. Bronson always kept her stocked up on wood in the fall and winter. At her feet sleeping was he constant company, Mr. Diddles, her cat. He was starting to show his age, he was old for a cat. He was going on 12 years old now. He had been a rescue from the shelter ten years ago, she wouldn’t know what to do without him though.

 

For some reason tonight She felt extra cold. Nothing she did could get her warm. She was wrapped up in a wool blanket and her sweater and her flannel pajama’s and still she felt the chill from the cold night air. There was a breeze coming from under the door that led to the hallway, which was unusual. Marie got up reluctantly and Mr. Diddles meowed at having been moved. “Oh stop being a fusspot, I’ll be back in a minute.” Marie smiled down at the cat looking up at her in an annoyed way. Marie walked over to the door and she felt cold air coming from under the door and it was blowing hard. “That’s strange.” She thought as she opened the door to the hallway. It was pitch black in the hall, with no moon to illuminate the hallway through the front door windows or the dining room windows. As she squinted to see in the dark, waiting for her eyes to adjust, she heard a faint rustling of papers coming from her closed office door.

 

There was no one else in the house so what could be making that noise in there? Marie hesitated when she got to the closed office door because she heard a loud bang as something hit the floor, like it had been tossed across the room. Someone was in her office going through her stuff, but who and what could they possibly be looking for, she was a widower and a poor lonely author. Just then the silent sentry clanged to life chiming the hour, it was one o’clock. All of a sudden it went silent behind the door. Just as Marie was about to turn and go get her phone from the living room, the office door was flung open and a young boy was standing there, holding her keepsake box where she kept her important documents but nothing of value. The boy looked no older than sixteen, he had a bad case of acne and messed up wet hair that made him look like a drowned rat. He was dressed in black boots, black jeans that were tight and stuck to his legs because of being so wet, a black t-shirt and a black rain jacket that was still dripping rain on the carpets.

 

Both of them gasps in surprise at seeing the other. The boy looked so shocked and scared. “I thought no one was home” He stammered at the shocked look on Marie’s face. “Would that make it OK for you to break into my home?” The youth looked down at the box he was carrying and looked remorseful, then his eyes grew defiant. “Where are you going with my keepsakes box? You know there’s nothing of value in there?” Marie pointed at the box he was looking at. He held out in front of himself now, then opened it up as if to make sure she was telling the truth. When he saw it was just filled with papers, he threw it on the ground at Marie’s feet. “Look lady why don’t you save me some time and tell me where the cash is?” He said trying to look menacing, but he was just too baby-faced to be menacing to Marie. She shook her head. no. “I don’t keep cash in the house, all I have in $50 in my wallet, I can give that to you if you want.” She motioned to where her purse was sitting on the hall table.

 

The youth looked at Marie a long time trying to see if she was telling the truth or not. “OK, and don’t go calling the cops on me either.” He pointed to the purse as if telling her to get her money out. Marie went to the purse and took the money out of her wallet, as she did so she was tempted to pull out the taser she kept in her purse, but she thought against it, this boy just wanted money and looked like he was hungry and cold. “Do you want something to eat and drink? I was going to make some hot cocoa and get a couple of cookies.” She smiled at him trying to reassure him that she wasn’t trying to play any games just trying to help him. “What? Do I look like I need charity?” He looked like she had hurt his feelings deeply. “No, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend you, I was just thinking we could share a couple of cookies and cup of cocoa and talk about why you broke into my home.” Now, the youth shuffled his feet uncomfortably.

 

“No, I’ll just take the cash and go.” She handed over the cash and he snatched it out of her hand and walked to the front door and turned the handle. “Oh, by the way, sorry about the broken window.” He smiled and then fled through the door into the stormy night. Marie went into the office and there above her antique book shelf was the broken window letting in a torrential amount of rain onto the bookshelf. “We;ll, that’ ruined now.” She walked back out the room and grabbed her rain coat and went to the shed and grabbed a piece of plywood to cover the window until the morning when Mr. Bronson came in and could get it fixed. She put the plywood up and locked the front and back doors and looked around the office and shook her head. “What is the world coming to that you can’t live alone and not be afraid anymore?” Marie told herself she would clean up the mess in the morning but for now she was cold and wanted to go sit in the living room and curl up with Mr. Diddles in front of the fire and fall asleep.

The Day I Met You…

This is the story of how I met you. A story to my boyfriend about how he made me feel when we first met and how we met.

On the day I met you, I thought you were the most handsome man I had seen in a long while. I wanted nothing more than to talk to you and to get your number, but me being shy and always having my resting bitch face on, I knew you wouldn’t want to get to know me at all. No one wants to get to know the woman behind the counter at the gas station with the funny shortcut hair and mean look on her face. From the Yelp! Reviews no one likes me or they think I am a bitch and a mean person who they would like to fight. They say I have a poor attitude. Not that I have a poor attitude, I just don’t like stupid and ignorant people who think they can treat me anyway they like and talk to me anyway they like and expect me not to give them the same in return.

            When I first saw you talking to my manager and how nice and sweet and funny you were, I just wanted to meet you and talk to you and get your number. You smiled at me and I thought my knees were going to buckle out from under me. You melted me and made me smile back. No customer could do that. You weren’t the best-looking guy who had ever come in to the gas station, but you were the funniest and sweetest. Then you asked if I needed any new furniture or anything cos you had some specials going on at the store you worked at. I said I would come in after my shift the next day and look around cos I needed a TV and couch. So, you said you would see me the next afternoon and gave me that smile again.

            The next morning, you came in and got your pop and donut on your way to work and asked if I was still coming in to see you that afternoon. I told you I was and it would be around 2pm. You told me that would be great. At 2 pm, I left work and drove the short distance to your store and parked in the parking lot. I was nervous about seeing you without my manager around me because I did like you and she usually started all the conversations, now I had to do it and I am too shy to talk, although meeting me at work you wouldn’t think I was. I entered the store and the bell above the door announced my arrival. Thankfully, you were helping another customer and so I got to look around a little. You smiled as you turned to see who came in the door and said you would be with me in a minute. I smiled back. I felt like a giddy schoolgirl seeing her crush up close. All butterflies and nerves.

            After about thirty minutes, you finished with the other couple and walked over to me at the TV’s and asked me which one I liked the most. It kind of spooked me a little because I am hard of hearing and couldn’t hear you walk up, so it took me a little by surprise. I held my hand to my chest and giggled a little nervously. You asked if you scared me and I explained I was hard of hearing because of my time in the military and so when people walk up behind me I cannot hear them, but I was fine. Then we got talking about my time in the military and it broke the ice. You seemed genuinely interested in me and what I was saying. That was nice. Most people don’t give me the time of day outside of work, and I hadn’t had good adult conversation in such a long time.

            I told you I couldn’t afford much in the way of monthly payments and you said you had some TV’s and couches on discount and showed me them. You gave me a good deal on a 49” TV and a nice couch. While we were doing the paperwork, we talked about so much stuff and I actually liked how intelligent you were and how we could talk so easily and openly together. Usually I am ignored or looked at as being big-headed and a know-it-all, but you didn’t see me or act like you thought I was. I was so happy and wanted to get to know you even more because of that. Then we started talking about how my son had just left to go back to Texas with his father and how I was in a two-bedroom apartment and struggling to make the bills and looking for a room-mate, you said you would be interested in being a room-mate if I wanted one and you wouldn’t be a weirdo or anything. I said I would think about it and talk to my parents and see what they thought about it. You said that’s great and noted my address for the delivery and said you lived with your sister right down the street from my apartment. I thought that was good and nice. Maybe we could be friends if nothing else. We set up the delivery date, and I made my first payment and then left to go home.

            The next day I was at work and working the night shift so it was 530pm and you walked in and I was happy to see you. You smiled at me and I smiled back. I was working at filling the coffee station with supplies and cleaning it up when you walked over and slipped a note to me and asked if I had thought any on the room-mate thing and I said I would love to talk to him more about it. On the paper, he had his number and name and told me to call or text him that night or the next day when I got home. I told him I didn’t get home until 145am because I was closing. You said you didn’t go to sleep before 230am anyway so you would be up. I smiled and said I would text you when I got home.

            All night I was thinking about how I would text you or if I would be able to confidently make the first move like that. I got home at 2am and was so tired after a very busy night I just laid down in bed and forgot all about making a phone call or text. The next morning I was emptying my pockets to do laundry and saw the note with the number on it and it was 930am, so I texted you and explain why I didn’t text or call the night before. I didn’t expect a reply for a while because I figured you would be busy, but it pleasantly surprised me when you replied right back. We began texting all day and several times you sent me the text I really have to do some work, but then you would text me again not five minutes later. It was a good day, and I hadn’t talked to someone that much or smiled and laughed that much in a long time.

            At about 6pm you texted you were heading home and picking up some McDonalds and did I want anything? I said no; I was fine, but in actuality, I was starving because I wasn’t able to afford much of anything because I was making so little and trying to pay all the bills on my own. You said you would pick me something up anyway and drop it off on your way home to your sisters where you were staying. You texted when you got to my apartment building and asked if I would come outside to pick up the food. I went out in my tank top and shorts and socks and met you at your car. I said thank you and asked if you would want to come in and eat with me. I had a broken down couch I had been renting second hand from another store, so I had a couch, but it was all messed up. You said you would want to go home and change and take a shower before you came over to see me, so I said, well go home, take a shower and come back afterwards.

            You smiled, and I smiled back you have such an infectious smile and laugh and I just love seeing you smile and laugh and want to make you do it all the time. I watched you leave and went in to my apartment building and then went to my apartment and went in and sat and ate the food and texted you thank you. You said no problem and you’re welcome anytime. I said text me when you get changed and if you wanted to stop over and watch a movie with me or something. You said you would. I didn’t expect to hear from you except to tell me you wouldn’t be over. At 745pm you texted and asked if I still wanted you to come over and watch a movie. I told you yes. About five minutes later, you showed up at my door all smelling good and I just wanted to grab you and kiss you. I refrained from it though I didn’t want to seem too pushy or like a slut like they had called me before.

            We sat next to each other on the couch and watched movies and we found we like the same type of movies and we talked more and we really seemed to get along really well. You motioned for me to move closer so you could put your arm around me while we watched TV. I did, and we snuggled there on the couch for a long time. It felt so nice to be held by someone and to snuggle on the couch with someone. I hadn’t had that in many, many years, not since the first years of my marriage that had just ended in divorce a year and a half before. You asked about my marriage and why it had ended and I told you it was because he had cheated on me and been abusive and I had just had enough finally after 22 years. You told me about your relationships and marriages. It seemed to me like we had both been through so many similar things, and that is why we got along so well.

            At midnight you said you should go because you had work in the morning and I had work in the morning, but you would love to come back over the next night and see me again and I felt the same so I told you I would love that. I went to bed with an enormous smile on my face and feeling happy for the first time in over a year. I felt like I had found someone I could really start a positive relationship with. At 2 am you sent me a good night text, and I sent one back. The next morning you texted me good morning and asked if I wanted anything for breakfast. I said no; I was good because I didn’t go to work until 3pm. All day we texted back and forth and you told me how nice it had been the night before and how you wanted to see me again and how you wanted to do it again. I told you the same thing.

            That night I got off of work at 130am and we texted for a little while and you asked when my next early night or day off was and I told you I was working the closing shift for the next week and then I would be on the morning shift getting off at 3pm. So you asked if we could meet up again on my next night off or early night and I said yes. It was 3 days later, and I had my first day off and you came over after going home and showering. We snuggled on the couch again watching movies and then we talked about how we are in relationships and the sort of things we liked and expected from a partner. I was waiting for the asking me out or to be your girlfriend but it never happened so I felt a little upset and like I wasn’t girlfriend material or worthy of being asked out, but it was just my insecurities surfacing because of so many years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of my ex-husband.

            After about 2 ½ months, I asked if you wanted to move in and share my apartment. You said you did, and we moved in together. We were in a great place and yet we had never started saying we were in a relationship. I had met your nephew who thought it was funny to call my your fiancée. You didn’t argue with him when he did, so neither did I. You would take me out to go shopping at your favorite store and buy me clothes because you said you hated seeing me in the same things. I also grew my hair out and stopped coloring it in funny colors and felt good about myself. You really have and changed my life and I am glad you have come into my life, I wouldn’t change it for the world no matter how many little arguments we have, you have taught me how to love again and how to accept being loved and feel worthy and worthwhile. I used to want to die all the time, now all I want to do is wake up and see your face.

Down

Well, today I am feeling so down and out and lost, I don’t know what to do. I am a Bipolar 1 Disorder, Major Depression, Anxiety and PTSD sufferer. Sometimes my symptoms are so bad I get suicidal. Today I am feeling all my depression at once. I try not to control this stuff with medication because that just ends up making me numb to life and emotions and I end up feeling worse, because then I want to start harming myself to just feel something and take away the emotional pain I feel, but that isn’t good either. So I am trying to use journalling, writing, meditation, breathing techniques and yoga to help keep my symptoms at bay, but sometimes there just is no stopping them and they hit me HARD like today. Yesterday and the day before I felt so good and I felt so happy, then I woke up this morning and all I wanted to do was cry and ask Why? I have been trying now for two weeks to get my boyfriend this Oculus Quest 2 from a rent to own place and the first one they gave me the left controller wouldn’t work and the headset wouldn’t pair or acknowledge WI-FI, so they took it back and said they would get me a new one, it was supposed to be there today, I go in to get it so I can take it home before I go to work to surprise him and low and behold I am told it didn’t come in on the truck and they were trying to get a hold of the other store to find out why and they would call me to let me know, well I haven’t heard any more about it today. Now i am waiting again. I am about to give up and just go to Best Buy and get one there and ask this place for my money back, i have already paid $100 to them for it. So I am feeling defeated there. Then there is my job, I feel so unappreciated and defeated there too. I know more and can handle the day shift better than the 1st shift supervisor who has just returned after being out for 5 months and he is used to 3rd shift, and the only reason he got 1st shift over me is because the manager downtown didn’t want me to have it for whatever reason but he wouldn’t tell me or anyone else, now he is gone, its still a battle. I am told i should be in that position and they are going to give this guy til September 1st and check off all this stuff on a checklist that he is not doing, because they have to have paperwork documenting the stuff, and then i am told i still may not get the position that is rightfully mine that i was doing for months. I just feel like they are trying to not give me the position because this company loves to promote Men but they hate to promote women, and I usually don’t accuse company’s of that, but this one is like it.

I miss my sons so much sometimes, they live in Texas with their father because Ohio, mainly Clermont County kids suck! I hate Ohio and Clermont county. For a whole year my son was bullied on the bus and in the hallways at school and the school wouldn’t do anything about it. So I ended up having to get with my EX who I really can’t stand, and ask him to come and get my son and take him back to Texas where his friends are and none of the bullying was. So , he got what he wanted all along, me to have neither of my sons and to be alone. He has always said he will make sure that I wont have my sons if I ever left or divorced him, because he said I was a crappy mother. And now i feel like it every day because i don’t hear from them unless they want something, and then it is a 2 minute conversation. My boyfriend says they are boys and young so they are just now worrying about jobs and girls and mom comes last so i shouldn’t worry about it. But that’s easy for a guy to say, they didn’t carry those children and feel the loss of them like a mom does. It is hard to explain to a man why a mother misses them so much when they are gone, because they don’t understand the fact that they were actually inside of you and you feel the loss even more than they do. I try to call or text them, but i get answering machines or they don’t respond and then when they do they say their phones were turned off. I feel like I have lost them and I don’t know them anymore and they wont know me anymore!

I feel so alone sometimes here in Ohio. The only family I have is my parents and I don’t hear from them at all. My mom says she can’t call because she can’t hear on the phone, but there is always messenger, but if i don’t message her i don’t hear from her. Then when i do message her and i try to tell her how I’m feeling she just blows me off and starts saying how much worse off she is, or my problems are so much more trivial than hers. My step-dad I actually talk to when i call him, but i always feel like i am calling during his relaxation time and i don’t want to bug him, because i know my mom has him doing all kinds of stuff. Then the only other family i have is my boyfriend, and he doesn’t want to hear my vent and complain about work or my problems because he says he feels like he has to fix them. He is a great guy and i wouldn’t want to be without him for the world and if anything happened to him i would probably die, but sometimes i just wish he would listen to me vent and not feel like he has to come up with fixes to what i am saying.

I just get really down like today and then it seems like everything hits me all at once and i feel lost and down and lonely and just all kinds of messed up. Then it gets too much for me to handle and i end up not sleeping for days and then i get suicidal. It is a vicious cycle. Then i get all up and hyper and feel good and then i crash again. That’s the nature of the bipolar 1 beast. I have tried several times to kill myself and not succeeded, mainly due to a bad abusive and ugly marriage and the traumas from childhood, teens and military and it doesn’t solve anything it just makes you feel like a failure when you survive. And then you have everyone looking at you and thinking you are a selfish coward looking for the easy way out, but they don’t know how much it hurts. Emotional pain is so much more painful than physical pain. Sometimes i would rather have my hand slowly cut off than have all this emotional pain. It isn’t that i can’t deal with it, it is that I hurt so bad and want it gone. That’s why people commit suicide its not that they are cowards or selfish or anything like that, it is that they are hurting so bad with emotional pain that they just want it gone and to stop and they feel trapped by it and when you feel that way you see no way out of it and suicide seems like the logical solution to end the pain. Especially when you get to feeling like i do alone! So when someone judges me for trying to kill myself or someone else who has done it and starts talking about how selfish they are and how could they do that to their family and children and why can’t they see how many people they are or would hurt by doing that I get so mad and frustrated because they don’t understand and when you try to explain it they act like they don’t want to understand or accept that as the truth. Unless you have truly felt like it and been in a suicidal persons position before you cant understand or accept it.

Today I just want to feel happy and be happy, but i can’t seem to make myself feel that way no matter what. My negative self-talk is always bad and i always feel so down on myself and stuff. I want to feel better. I have tried therapy, but that never helps because they have that one thing fixes all mentality towards therapy. Well, not all therapy works for all people. So i end up giving up on it because i don’t feel like it is helping. Then i feel like a quitter and a failure again. I feel like i am a failure more since i have become an older adult than i ever did, and more so since i moved up here to Clermont county, Ohio. I have no friends because well, i tried to make friends when i first got up here and moved to Amelia, and they just used me for what they could get and then moved on their next victim like all Amelia and Clermont county people do. I don’t know if it is their upbringing or what, but it sucks. I hate it here! I want to move so bad, but just can’t afford it

Yes this may sound like a poor, poor me post but really its not, it is my way of getting whats stuck in my head out and trying to make sense of it. So please don’t feel like i want sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me, i don’t i just want to get this out of my head and if there is any one reading it that feels the same way and wants to help or that it helps to read and know someone else feels like they do then that is all i want from this.

Why?

Well, in another post I said I was looking to get promoted and had put in an application for the position because they told me to put one in and that they were looking at all candidates and couldn’t just give the position to me. So, me believing they were giving me a fair shot at the position I put in my application, well the position was given to a co-worker who has been out of the office, off of work for the last 5 months out of 8! And who doesn’t know the job, I have been doing it. He doesn’t know the new policies and procedures he knows nothing at all. My supervisor asked them why they gave the position to him and not me or the other person he asked to get it, and they said I wasn’t even i consideration for the position yet, I am more qualified than him, have been here, don’t complain, don’t call off of work, and treat everyone at work fairly and equal and don’t have a god complex like this person does. No one likes this person. They have been told that they will quit if he even thinks about being like he was before he left, which we know he will because he will think he is the 2nd in command at the post.

I feel like I have been discriminated against and held back. I have been passed over for promotion at this company 7 times now. Without and explanation. I am now ready to move on to another company and find one that will promote me and treat me fairly and based on my qualifications. I am going to do my job on 2nd shift and nothing more, I was trying to do more and to show I am capable of being 2nd in command and be more than just a 2nd shift supervisor, but now I am not even going to do that. I am going to do the bare minimum because this company wants to keep slapping me in the face. I can be so much more and they keep holding me back and promoting useless people over me. Good luck with this guy. he sucked in the Army he got demoted twice he got demoted from a supervisor at another site because he sucked and here he kept getting in trouble because he would go off and sleep on duty but hey promote him over the person who shows up, does their job and doesn’t complain when you need them to pull 12 hour shifts for weeks on end! I know he won’t pull 12 hour shifts for weeks on end! He hates to work. He can’t even walk, he walks with a cane! Who ever heard of a security guard with a cane???

Oh well, they will get what they pay for i guess! I mean why won;t they tell me or my boss why they won’t even consider me for the position, i mean why won’t they tell me why they didn’t consider me for the position? Why wouldn’t they have been up front and told me not to bother putting in an application because they weren’t going to consider me the position. I would rather them have been up front an honest and let me know why and that they weren’t going to consider me. That would be better than keep blowing me off and keep telling me they were considering all possible applicants and i would find out at the end of the week. Just tell me I was in the running and why, that way I know and I can know that I need to look for a new job somewhere else because i’ll never be taken seriously here or be promoted here.

So time to start job hunting after 18 months here. So long G4S, it was good while it lasted, but you suck! I now know why people tried to warn me about working for you!

Morning Coffee….

As I sit here drinking my morning coffee and letting in the employees through the door with their badges and thinking, is this what my life has come to? An endless stream of faces passing across my screen as i enter their names in the log. Only having the occasional person who doesn’t have a  badge so I have to let them in and make them a badge or they forgot their badge so I have to let them in and give them a temporary badge. Or it is a visitor to the building which will break up the monotony. Some people stop and speak some just keep on going like I am a nobody and they don’t have to waste their breath or a good morning or hello on me. Even if I say hello or Good morning, which I do to everyone out of politeness. Why is it that a simple gesture like hello or good morning is lost on some people? Or they can not say it to someone, they just keep on walking like they haven’t heard a word, when clearly they heard it said to them. I would n’t even mind if they grunted a response in my direction just as an acknowledgement and politeness, but to just get a sideways glance and then ignored makes me feel like I am less than human, or they feel that because I am a security Supervisor I am below them. 

Mornings are busy here, but I always find the time to smile and say hello and good morning to everyone that passes my window and who buzzes my door needing in. When they buzz the door and I answer I could answer like some of the guards here that just ask what they need and what the answers to the COVID questions are on the sheet, but I always greet them politely and ask in a polite manner what their answers are and how I may help them and tell them my name. It seems like these days people are way too ignorant and way too rude. I was raised that you were always to be polite to everyone no matter what and you always respected your elders no matter what. The younger generations do not follow these rules anymore. I treat everyone from housekeeping to CEO the same when they enter the building. No one is different in my eyes. Why should they look at me any different than anyone else? 

Why has society gotten this way? Why is it the higher we think our job is and the better we think our job is the ruder we think we can be to other people? Why is it that the higher up in a company we are the more we think we dont have to say hello to anyone else? Here the CEO’s administrative assistants some of them act like they are so much better than I am because I am Security. Like they don’t have to follow the rules that everyone else does because of who their boss is, or they don’t have to say hello to anyone because of who their boss is. But truth of the matter is they more than anyone should be following the rules because of who their boss is, because they are the ones who should be setting the example. 

I try to be friendly to the employees and have a laugh and joke with some and be on a friendly rapport with them and some I am, others look at me like I am over stepping a bound by doing that. I think that my being that way with them they would see that I am not trying to be an enforcement agent and take my job too seriously because after all, I really can’t do too much, all I can do is keep undesirables out of the building, keep them safe while in the building, alert them in case of an emergency or help them when they need help. I can’t do any more than that, and I know that. I don’t act like I can either, I have never taken my job any more seriously than that. I have been doing security work on and off since I was 18 years old and never have I ever taken it any more seriously than that. The only time I took it seriously was when I was in the military and when I was a corrections officer and then I was able to do more and it was more life threatening than now. To look at me you couldn’t take me seriously. I am not built like a serious body builder type security person, I am older, and I am geeky looking. Yes I do like to look professional and yes I do keep all my tattoos covered for the sake of professionalism. 

I smile and I laugh and try to make others smile and laugh too. Some people when they come in and are having a rough morning they say thank you for the smile and the laugh others just look at me and scowl and keep on going and act like I have just added to their bad day. Why? Why would a smile and a joke in the morning make you have even more of a bad day. I always am respectful and I always ask how people are doing and if I see someone is not having a good day I ask them if there is anything I can do to help or make their day a little better. I try to be as personable as possible every day that i work, especially since I am not a morning person and I have to be here at work from 7am to 7pm monday thru friday. I am a night person that is why I liked working my 2nd shift, I would be at work from 3pm to 11pm and then up until 2am and then sleep til 9or 10am and then I could make appointments and do things all day until I needed to go to work. Now I have no time to make appointments and I have to go to bed early and I am tired all the time and I am not always happy when I come to work, but I make the most of it because that is what you do when you are an adult and work full time. I try to keep my unhappiness and bad temper and tiredness at bay and try to amenable and jovial with the people that come to work. 

Manners are something parents these days don’t teach their children, they sit them in front of computers and game systems or ipads and let that teach them or let them teach themselves or expect society to teach their kids, but really and truly if we want a better society we need to get back to when us older generations were kids and our parents taught us manners. Like the “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don;t say anything at all” or “treat others as you would want to be treated” respect your elders, things like that, those are things that have all gone by the wayside and now we are seeing the error of this in the way the younger generations treat authority figures and the law and their parents and the older generations as a whole. They expect respect, they don’t understand that respect is earned not given or demanded. You have to earn that shit Tiny Tim! Just because your mom opened her legs and gave birth to you doesn’t mean you get respect. That is something that is earned. Don’t disrespect what you don’t understand or don’t know about either. If you haven’t fought for your country or stepped up to fight for a country that isn’t even your own don’t put others down for doing that. They are weak for doing that, they are more man and woman than any little punk that disrespects them and talks bad about them for doing that. Take it from a Veteran that fought for the USA and wasn’t even a citizen, but was so full of patriotism and pride for a country that took her in that she went overseas and fought for them. So, don’t disrespect funerals of fallen soldiers and their families or their graves, don’t talk bad about wounded soldiers or disabled soldiers. They have done more for their country than you will ever do. That is how you earn respect. 

Don’t go around beating up and hurting old people and people of other races just because they are different than you. So what if their skin is a different color, or their eyes a different shape, or their accent is different? Difference and divergence is what makes this World a great place to live. So the next time you go to walk passed that lowly security guard who just said Good Morning with a smile and think to yourself I am better than them, don’t just don’t because you aren’t because that lowly security guard may one day be the difference between life and death for you. Next time you go to calling that Bum on the street worthless or tell him to get a job and stop living in the street stop and think and ask him why he or she is there and you might find out that they are a war veteran and have medals and are just down on their luck and have not got anyone to help them. And before you think that the money you might give them is just going to go on alcohol don’t they might just surprise you and spend it on food and a warm blanket and if you are so worried they will spend the money on alcohol then ask them what food they would like or if there is anything they need and then buy that for them instead. It is way to easy to just accuse someone of going to do the wrong thing so you get out of having to do the right or easy thing. 

What is it that makes you tick?

Some people like to ask what makes a person tick. Well, why do we want to know what makes a person tick or not? Is it going to help us understand them any better, or ourselves, or humanity any better? I doubt it? What makes one person tick, doesn’t make another person tick the same way. I mean what motivates me to do something may not motivate someone else or anyone else. That’s why I laugh at these one package fits all diet and exercise plans that people fall for. Just do what I did for 16 weeks and you too can lose 40Lbs! No that is not true, because their metabolism may be higher than yours, their lifestyle may be doordash.com

There are also these psychotherapy treatments that therapists use and try to fit every patient into. And what may work for one patient may not work for another. I’m a prime example of that, I have been going to therapy most of my adult life for one reason or another mainly depression, anxiety and PTSD and each time I see a therapist they say the same thing. Well this treatment has worked well for my other patients with similar things to you so let’s start with that. Well that would be ok in most instances but what if this person like me tells you I have seen many therapists and I have tried many therapies and these don’t work on me that’s why I want to try something new? Shouldn’t they listen to the client? I mean after all we are the ones footing their bill and we are the ones that know ourselves and have tried things and know what doesn’t work.

That’s like a doctor using the same antibiotic for every infection, what works for one may or may not work on another. So why should we have a one thing works for all mentality or a one size fits all mentality? I mean if you really want to know what makes people tick then you need to have different approaches to different situations and people. So why as a society do we try to fit everyone into the nice little boxes when trying to figure out how they tick? If you want to know then be open minded and through away the boxes and stereotypes and cultural biases and get to know people for them and you will learn more about them and what makes them tick. But why do we as humans feel it necessary to know how others work? Can’t we just be happy knowing there are different people in the world and go on like that? I mean there are whole schools of thought and philosophy and science on this why? I don’t need to know how everyone I come into contact with tocks. Yes there are some people I do want to know because if I work with you and am training you and you aren’t getting it then I want to know the way to help you get it. I don’t know humans are a confusing breed.

A Guilty Pleasure, But Is It So Guilty?

We all say I am indulging in my guilty pleasure if we are eating something we know we shouldn’t or doing something that we shouldn’t like binge watching our favorite series all Saturday rather than being productive with that time. But why is this considered a guilty pleasure? Why do we make ourselves feel guilty for making ourselves feel good? I mean if you do like I do and work 60+ hours a week and all you want to do on a Saturday is sleep or binge watch Supernatural the series, why should i feel guilty about that? I work hard for my time off, but in our society we are made to feel selfish and guilty if we take time for ourselves or indulge in things that will make us happy. It is like they want you to be depressed and feel like crap so they can force feed you some new therapy or drug that will supposedly make you feel good. No, what will make me feel good is for you to stop making me feel guilty for doing things to make myself happy without your help and without it being in pill form or costing hundreds of dollars.

I have been in and out of therapy and on and off medication since I was 26 years old, i am almost 20 years older than that now, and all I have to show for it is many trips to the emergency room for over doses because i felt suicidal, pill bottles full of medication that i stopped taking because it made me feel numb to the world and to all my feelings and a totally dysfunctional relationship with anyone I do let in behind my walls Of safety and sanity. I have been diagnosed by several different doctors with many different things, mainly Bipolar I Disorder and Major Depression with Suicidal Idealization and PTSD. Yeah every one gets down and every one feels like they would like to die at times but when I say that I am called a nut job and I am made to feel like I am wrong and I need to be a ton of medication. I dont think I do. I was recently put on medication for anxiety because it is very bad due to PTSD and that I am sorry to say I do admit to having due to some things that happened to me in the military and when I was young and while I was married for 23 years, After a few days on this medication I felt horrible, my dreams were so vivid I woke doing and saying whatever I was doing or saying i my dreams, my legs were weak, my hands were shaking even worse than before i took the pills and there were other side effects that I am not happy with either.

So, I have decided to stop those pills and most of the other pills the VA has me on and try do this without all that because you know I am thinking the more they give me the more and the worse it seems to get, like they are keeping me sick. Or like they are using me as a test subject. I have other non-medicinal ways I can keep my moods and anxiety and PTSD under control. So, I am no longer calling my so called guilty pleasures guilty anymore because am I no longer going to be made to feel guilty for anything I do, I have been doing that to myself and people doing that to me for way too many years. I am just going to call my pleasures, well earned and well deserved. Damn it I work Hard!!! I should get to do what I want not have to feel guilty or have some one say “OH, no you can’t eat that it’ll make you fat” or “oh no, if you lie around on Saturday and not do anything you are lazy.” Well, I don’t really care if i have worked 60+ hours that week I am pretty much going to eat and do what I want on the weekend.

So, basically what i am saying is, be you, if you work hard, indulge in what you want when you want and don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t let anyone, steal your joy by saying its a guilty pleasure or you shouldn’t do this or you shouldn’t do that, do what you want, if you worked hard for it. Now if you just sat around all week and didn’t do anything while someone else took care of you and you were able to work and didn’t have any children at home to care of and were just too lazy or just felt like you too boogie to work then yes you should feel guilty and you should feel ashamed of yourself, but if you cant work due to disability or your a stay home mom then you shouldn’t feel guilty either. But those girls out there looking for sugar daddy’s they are wrong and should be earning their own way in the world cos looks only last so long and eventually you aren’t going to be able to find anyone to call sugar daddy because you’ll be too damn old! Get a job earn your own money and feel the reward that comes with it! Then indulge in your pleasures they are so much more worth it and worth while when you earn them, and not by looking “cute” cos some of you are not that cute that are out there asking for sugar daddy’s just saying, you might want to invest in a backup plan.

Block

I haven’t felt like writing anything in a few days now. I suffer from really bad PTSD and depression and anxiety from the military and my horrible marriage of 22 years. So, sometimes i have flare ups and flash backs and it gets really horrible for me. I get really horrible and grouchy and just not a nice person to be around. This morning i was having one of those days. The memories of the moments when i had no control were overwhelming me and my hands started shaking and my heart started pounding and then my boss started wanting me to do three different things at once and i started to get out of breath and i could feel the anxiety coming. I had to get out of the office. I told my boss i had to go to the bathroom really quick i was having a little problem i’d back quick. When i got to the bathroom, i splashed cold water on my face and breathed deeply and for a long time trying to regain a normal breath. My hands still were not stopping shaking, they have shaking now for quite some time but more so now that my doctor put me on Clonidine. I also dont like all the other side effects i am having from it. Some of them scare me. Anyway after a few minutes i had calmed down enough i thought i could back into the office and start again, but as soon as i stepped i the office the anxiety just came flooding right back.

I took one of my as needed anxiety pills and hoped it would help me out. I started to calm down about 10 to 15 minutes later. I was able to concentrate and do what needed to be done. Now i am trying to find something in none pill form i can do to take my anxiety away. I am thinking of Thai Chi or Yoga or even Meditation. I dont know i am open to suggestions at this point, although i am not going to divulge what my PTSD is from i would welcome suggestions on how to handle that too, maybe from other veterans especially female ones who can help me get over this i have tried just about everything now. I have even tried to end it all several times because i was tired of all the emotional pain, i wanted it to all stop.

Now the last couple of days i have been having a very big writers block and felt very non-creative, which is rare for me. I usually if i cant write i draw, but if i cant do either of those then i know i am getting ready to have a really bad time and i am trying not to, im trying to be positive and stop it before it starts. I am trying to do this exercise called using story prompts to keep the creative juices flowing it has helped a little bit, but not much at all. I want to write something on my blog here every day that is interesting or amusing or funny or has meaning or makes you think, or is deep, but when i get like this my thoughts just go black and nowhere. That makes for some really dark topics and they usually go nowhere, so i apologize ahead of time if that happens the next few days.

I do need to write more on my novel because i am only 2 chapters away from it being finished and then me putting the final touches on it and then putting it through a proofreading program and editing program and then trying to get it published by someone, i know there are so many starving artists dont get your hopes up. I am not, but its been a dream of mine since i was a small girl writing stories for my little brother to make him laugh, because regular stories didnt make him laugh. I have a program that can help you self publish an ebook for only a small fee and i can go through B&N or Amazon, so i have ways to try this. We shall see what happens.

Well sorry this post is kinda drab and negative and not so deep or like my other posts or anything but i am just not feeling creative or very deep feeling right now i might later and if i do i might post again.

Have You Ever Just Sat and Thought?

Have you ever just sat on your front porch or opened the window of your apartment and listened to the hustle and bustle of how fast this world is moving? Gone are the days of just hanging around just playing with your friends carefree in the yard or streets or going out all day until sundown. Now mothers can’t let their children be out in the streets playing because they may get hit by a car, they can’t play in their yard because they might get snatched by a child kidnapper or worse.

Have you ever just sat and thought about what you wanted to be as a child verses what you are now? Is it radically different or similar or is it what you planned to be? Personally I am nothing like where I wanted to be. I always wanted to in the Royal Air Force Regiment just like my Hero my Grandfather, but I ended up only doing eight years active duty in the American Army and 2 years National Guard for Texas. So I didn’t do what I wanted and have always regretted that. My other dream was to make in law enforcement. I got my degree in criminal justice with a minor in psychology, and what have I done with it? I have worked as a corrections officer for 1 year and a Security Supervisor for another 18 months. Makes you rethink your whole life doesn’t it, and what purpose most of your choices were for?

When I hear songs like “Its a wonderful Life” or “It’s A Beautiful Day” “It’s a Wonderful World” The cynic in me wants to ask what is to wonderful and beautiful about a world or day that is full of pollution and fighting and ignorance and anger and pain and loathing for each other. What is so great about that? No I am not some let’s all hug and sing and get a long now, I just think that war and violence is not that answer to everything, there are other ways to settle things. 

It’s been a long time since I have been since I have been able to go to s store and not feel pity for someone who is acting so foolish and ignorant in public. Embarrassing themselves. Why would you do that? Do you not care what you look like to others and how they are going to treat you from now on? Its been a long time I have been able to go pretty much anywhere where there are alot of people. In restaurants you have to deal with kids turning around and staring at you and screaming and carrying on and their parents just off in their own little world not listening or caring what they are doing. I can remember being a child, if we went out to eat it was a special occasion and we warned to behave or else. There was no standing up in the chairs, screaming and carrying on, and definitely no running around the restaurant. We would have got out butt busted right there and then and then when we got home the real punishment would happen. If you are a child of the 70’s and 80’s or before you know what I am talking about.

But these days do we ever really take a moment to really “see” our world for what it is? Do you ever just sit and listen at night to the noise of the night or sit and listen to the noises of the day? In the city can you even hear birds any more? If you used to be able to and you can’t now do you miss hearing their sweet and cheery songs? Do you miss seeing the grass? Do you miss the lakes and all the wide open spaces? I live in the suburbs and I know I do miss little things from the country. Like the smell after the farmers cut the fresh hay, or walking the roads and walking by the cow meadows and and catching one by the fence and trying to get it to nudge it’s wet nose against you. Or going up up to horses and feeding them grass through the fence.

Now I have to listen to loud engines, women and husbands fighting, living in a bottom apartment i get to here every little thing drop and it sounds like i have elephants up there who don’t care what hour of the day or night they jump around or whatever they are doing up there. I get to hear horns honking to make people go faster or get out of the way, see people weaving in and out of traffic because everyone is going too slow, and then who do you see stopped at the stop light right in front of you but them so all that was for nothing. This World is in such a hurry to go somewhere and are so mad when someone gets in their way, that I don’t even think they know where they are going or why? Do you? Have you wondered why you drive so fast, yell at other drivers for driving too slow or to get out of your way? Or do the same thing in a supermarket, get impatient because someone has a big order and now they have to price check something? Have you ever just taken a moment and slowed down and just thought about things? Maybe go a little slower, leave a little earlier so you can see the places you pass every day, or not get caught in that same traffic jam every day? At the store have some compassion if it taking too long for someone to come help the cashier price check the item maybe offer to do it for them? There is always room for good people to help other people in this world and there needs to be more of us out there. Slow down, see the World, help your neighbor, be that 1% that lends a hand, and see what you are missing in this fast paced overly mechanized and electronic world.

Beliefs

Well I have been having some debate with my boyfriend and some his family and mine. The reason for this is because they say I am a devil worshipper because I have a pentacle sticker with 2 moons on the back of my car and I read books about Tarot and Witchcraft. I am not nor have I ever been a devil worshipper, I tell them I am witch or that I am a Pagan, and that has nothing to do with being a devil worshipper. I say first you have to believe in the devil to be a devil worshipper and I for one do not believe in him. They say that because I don’t believe in God the way they do and that I worship or “pray” to many different Gods and Goddesses, that I am doing something wrong and I am going to Hell, yet again I tell them you have to believe in Hell in order to go there. I believe each life we live we have a lesson to learn and if we don’t learn it or if we do we come back to the earth as a new incarnation. I do believe in re-incarnation. I believe we are not put here to live one life and then either buried or burned and that’s it, then we are judged and we either go to heaven or hell. To me that seems a little closed minded and off. It seems like kind of a waste of time to be alive, why if you are just going to die and that’s it, nothing more. I believe that every one has the ability to be good or evil and it is the heart of the person not the devil or God who makes them either good or evil. It is all down to choice, you have a choice whether you rob or murder someone, it isn’t the devil making you do it if you do it, it si your personal choice. Too many people use that as a way to get out of it, or they say a demon possessed me. Really? Now that’s a little much. If you weren’t already thinking it then they wouldn’t have a place to go. They are drawn to bad, so if you are good then you wouldn’t have to worry about it, well I have been told I am wrong about this too, I have been told that demons are sent by the devil to corrupt the good children of god and that way he is winning the war with god, really that’s just stupid to me, he has nothing better to do with his time than to keep sending demons up to earth to seek out the good people and make them evil, that seems like a lot of hard work for someone who can just come up here and snatch whatever soul he wants to. Makes no sense to me that he would be worried about good people because believe me there aren’t that many in the world these days, even gods people the priests and nuns and bishops and cardnials and stuff are corrupt and out to gain a profit from people. Nothing has changed since the old days when priests would accuse a person of being a witch or possessed by demons so they could take their property and monies “for the church” now they just act like they need a donation in order to exorcise demons from people. Most people they say are possessed are just people who have mental illnesses such as schizophrenia. Nothing more elaborate than that. But back to why I am supposed to be a devil worshiper because I am a witch and pagan. I am not doing what society says is right and believeing the way they say I should. It is not right to try to bring back the religions of my ancestors, they act like Christianity has been around since the earth was formed it hasn’t, it didn’t get put in a book form until after Jesus had been dead for 1200 years, so how is it accurate and how can that be what happened? I mean if that’s the case that Christianity has been around forever then why did we have the crusades to bring it to the pagan masses? Paganism has been around so much longer than any Christianity. Cavemen would leave sacrifices and offerings to the sun and moon and to the gods of the hunt and harvest that’s paganism not Christianity. I don’t believe in GOD and how he is supposed to be all knowing and all loving because he allows his greatest creation (us) to fight and kill each other and slaughter each other and do genocide and he allows babies who have not even learned to talk or walk and not ven been alive more than a few months be born with cancer and deadly diseases. How is that loving? How is that showing that you care about your creation? How is it that he allows serial killers to emerge and murderers and other people to emerge to take advantage of others? I have never had any one Christian give me a good enough answer to make me believe that he is all loving and fair and really cares about his creation. Maybe if I find one that does give me a good enough answer I will change my mind, but telling me a few week old baby was born dying of cancer is the lesson of pain they were supposed to be born with that is a crock of shit to put it bluntly! I had a priest tell me that that was why babies are born dying, because that was the lesson god wanted them and their parents to learn, now where is the lesson in that? That he doesn’t give a shit or that he isn’t real and that you should lose faith because I sure as hell would. So please don’t tell me I am wrong in what I believe in, I have my beliefs and you have yours. I just believe in the way my ancestors did.

I’m Glad to See All The “ism’s” Are Alive and Well Still and In Use Still….

In the USA we think we are a pretty progressive and forward thinking nation and have over come and don’t do a lot of what the people from the 60’s etc.., did. Well, that couldn’t be farther from the truth, we just know how to hide it better now. It may not be so glaringly in your face sexism, or racism, or feminism, or chauvinism, etc., but it is still there if you read between the lines of what they are doing and saying and how they treat you compared to others. I would almost want to be back in the times when it was smack dab in your face, because then I could meet it head on and deal with it right there rather than it sneak up on me and me not knowing it and I don’t know how to deal with it.

At work recently the Site Supervisor left so our first shift lead Supervisor moved into his position with only an adjusting of a couple things on his profile with company we work for, So me thinking that since I have been doing his job when he leaves and isn’t there and am 2nd Shift lead Supervisor all i had to do was adjust my profile with the company and I would be given the First shift lead obviously that would be the logical progression since I have as much if not more experience than the one who is now our site supervisor, but no, I get told I have to put in an application and go through an interview and see if the client wants me as their 1st shift Lead. Now these are the same men I would have to interview with who are always looking down on me in a condescending way, or are making comments that I don’t know something when they know I do. So I have said to hell with it I’ll stay on my 2nd shift and let them hire in another guy to fill the slot and let him fail, like they always do.

When i was asking about the job, they kept avoiding me and not answering my calls and that gave me a clue as to what was going go on right their. I wish i could prove they were not hiring me because I was a woman..Oh how I wish I could prove it! I mean I didn’t put with the lewd jokes and the sexual harassment and the being the only woman in 2400 guys and having to go yards away from the field site just to pee because I didn’t want one of the guys to come and see me and take pictures and show them off or worse. I didn’t put up with being in the Kuwaiti desert in a convoy being stopped in the middle of the desert with not a tree or hill or anything in site for miles and having to pee and having squeeze inbetween truck tires to pee so no one would see me. And being yelled at in basic training and hit if i stepped out of line or made to stay up til 1am and then be back up at 4am to start the day over again in basic training. Just to be treated like I don’t count because I’m a woman. I have been doing jobs like a mechanic, corrections, loss prevention and security my whole life and every time I have had to prove myself. Why? Why should have to prove myself when men don’?

Women believe in equal rights and equal pay and the whole Feminism movement is out there and they make it harder for those of us who are out there doing the jobs that equal and deserve the equal rights and equal pay. If you are standing around holding picket signs all day and yelling about equal this and equal that for women but not actually doing the jobs that deserve it then you are only hurting those of that do deserve it.

Racism these days is a subject that many don’t want to approach because it is a heated subject, it shouldn’t be. People should be able to have an opinion. And if you think about it there is more racism among our own race than there is among the different races. But because the media wants to keep the myths alive and keep digging at old wounds they sensationalize the bits and pieces of stories that they do find that can be construed as racism if worded the right way. Anything can be made to be racist sounding if worded the right way and by changing a couple words here and there. Shouldn’t we think before we act now? Why are we still letting are bodies move before our brains? Why don’t we think?

In short we as a nation have not come very far, we just have masked it better. We are more knowledgeable we are more sneaky. We are not teaching the new generations how to be better we are teaching them how to cover their tracks if they do, do it. We need to teach them manners and teach them better and not to do the stuff in the first place.

Grow up America.

Suicide Heroism or Cowardice?

Some say Suicide is cowardly and a cowards way out. I do not feel that this true, I think that it is an act of heroism on the part of the person doing it, because they are actually doing something they want to do despite what society says about it. I mean why should we all blindly follow what society says we should? If you are a person who suffers from suicidal ideations, of which I am one, then you know it is a daily struggle to not go through with all your laid out plans. Believe me a person like me always has a plan laid out and sometimes a couple of plans laid out, just in case someone finds out and decides to stop you from accomplishing that plan. I have tried several times in my life to commit suicide unsuccessfully, but mostly because it was a cry for help, not for attention as some people think, but for help. This is what people who try are doing they are not crying out for attention they are saying ” hey I am feeling so much pain I don’t know how to deal with it can someone please help me?” Every one says well if you feel like that before you start to go through with it you should call a suicide hotline, these are a ridiculous idea, they are usually manned by grad students just trying to get their work study in and credits, or by people just going in doing their eight hours to get paid and then leaving. If you have ever called one of these so called helplines you know what I am talking about when I say they make it worse. They try to tell you all the good things in your life and remind you of all the people you will leave behind and you should think positively. Well if I could think positively I wouldn’t be calling a suicide hotline! I have called a few in my times of need and they just made me want to yell and scream and do it even more, what I really needed was just someone to listen to me and hear my pain and what was going on and not comment and tell me all this happy horse crap about you have loved ones who will miss you and be affected by your death. If they were such good loved ones and be affected by my death then why don’t I hear from them now and why don’t they check on me now knowing I have these thoughts and I could do it at any time? So I do think that you are a hero to yourself if you commit suicide because you have actually gone through with it and said F-you society I am going out how I want to and I tried but it was just too much and no one really cared anyway. Society has religions that say suicide is evil and you will go straight to Hell if you do it because it is not your life to take, it is Gods life to take, because he gave it to you and he is the only one who can take it away, well if that is so then where is he when things are really bad? Where is he when I have nothing and no one to count on or to listen and help me? Some say pray and he listens and will answer your prayers, well how long does that take? I have tried that praying thing and well nothing I ever prayed for happened in fact the complete opposite happened so what then? Why is it that these people want to judge you? They say only God can judge but here they are judging you and saying you are evil and going to Hell because you committed suicide, what is it people is it God or is it you? I personally don’t give a damn what people say about me, because I am going to do my own thing anyway, if it comes to taking my own life. I have dealt with the pain of grief, I have had traumas that are unimaginable, I have had things taken from me that were very precious, I have had someone I thought loved me treat me like a second class citizen and do wrongs to me and commit me to mental hospitals because I was asking for help and I was in his way of getting on with his life. I have been there done that, I have gotten over things and I have still got a long way to go, will I ever think about suicide again, yes of course I will in fact I have been thinking about it the last few days, and the thoughts get stronger with every passing day, will I wake up tomorrow and be “normal” and happy and say what was I thinking I was so stupid to think suicide was the answer. NO, because that’s not how it works. When you suffer from the mental illnesses I have and yes you read that right I said mental illnesses, you think about ending things every single day, because it is just so hard to get up and put on the “normal” smile and be happy persona that everyone expects. Mental illness is a constant struggle and part of that struggle is with suicide. It is not an easy decision to make and therefore those who say it is a cowards way out are so far from the truth. I would leave behind 2 sons if I ever did decide to do it again and this time succeed, but I don’t think about that when I am feeling so much emotional pain and my demons are getting the best of me. My mother says when you are feeling bad talk to me, well it takes her a day or longer to message me back and by then it would be too late. Or she tells me I am being stupid and selfish for thinking that way and I should think about how it would affect her and what would happen to her. Well I’m sorry I didn’t realize that I had to consult you on my life decisions and why should I think about you? Are you going to be there for me more often and try to listen and understand, NO, you are going to judge me like you always do and make it all about you. I mean when I was 14 did you think about how it would affect me and my brother and sisters when you tried to commit suicide, I don’t think so, but she doesn’t seem to remember ever doing that. It is funny how people conveniently forget things when they are trying to be high and mighty and tell you to not do something and to stop being stupid. Why is it stupid? Why do people think you should live with the pain and traumas that are killing you and eating you up inside? What is wrong with people are they sop wrapped up in themselves that they just want you to be unhappy and live with all this stuff just so they wont feel a little bit of sadness when you get the relief you so desperately want and need? So yes I think anyone who commits suicide is a hero because they have freed themselves from a life that was sucking the life out of them anyway and they are now free from pain and grief and anything else that was hurting them. So don’t judge unless you have walked a mile in the shoes of someone with major mental illnesses like Bi-Polar disorder, Major Depression, Severe Anxiety, and PTSD just to name a few that will give you the idea that suicide is the answer.

What a World we Live in

Well, What a world we live in…..now we are going to have a generation who wont know who speedy gonzalez the mouse is, or pepe lepew, or some of the muppets, or some of the dr. suess books are. They are banned because they are conidered offensive to some cultures, or races. I mean if you are going to get offended by a cartoon character or the words written in a book then that is ridiculous. But hey we are living in a country that allows that sort of thing. I mean hell they make a headline saying a model makes sports illustrated history for being in the swim suit edition because they are afroican/asian american who is transgender, well sports illustrated lets just chack all the boxes with this years model why dont we? Got to make sure we dont offend anyone. It seems like telling harmless jokes on Tik-Tok will get you banned now too, because someone will get their panties in a bunch and complain and report you and then wham you are banned just like that. It is reidiculous i say just plain ridiculous! I mean come on people grow a set and get some thick skin, they are jst jokes for christ sake!

It is offensive to do this and offensive to do that or say this or say that or show this or show that. What the hell can we do? You know what i am going to do? Be me and fuck who dont like it. I am not going to worry about who i am pissing off with wha i do, show or say. I grew up in a day and age when you didnt have to worry about it and could watch what you liked and didnt anyone worry about who the hell they were offending because that was the point to make fun of things. Life is going to get really boring soon and people are going to wish they hadnt allowed so few have such a loud voice and demand so much, because it is just going to get really out of hand!

Then i am reading the news on my phone this morning and read that comets and meteors will no longer have white names they are going to have names that are African American and HispanicWTF? Since when were they white or any color names? They were named after the people who found them in the sky and studied them, not just randomly picked. But i guess that’s going to change, sorry all you scientist’s who spent all that money going to school to be astronomers, you are now going to have to forego having it named after you for fear of offending someone, Now you are going to have to pick an African American or Hispanic name to name the comet or meteor, you find after. We are pulling down monuments to the men and women of the civil war and replacing them with African American people from history because the other ones supposedly too for slavery because they were confederate generals and stuff. Really???? what the hell, that’s not slavery that is history, get over yourselves! Do white people not deserve historical markers anymore? I mean Coke even has gone so far as in its diversity training to tell white people to not be so white, by not being ignorant and belittling to other races. Really? That’s ridiculous, but it is okay for them to be ignorant and belittling to us? I’m tired of this shit!

I am sorry if i come off as an ignorant and racist White person but i am not i am just tired of all the me, me, me, me stuff going on in one races eyes when we have bigger things to worry about, trying to stop the poor being poor and the people being on the streets get help, most of those people if you stop and ask them you will find were Veterans of a war of some kind for this country. So, please think of something more than just the small picture and yourself and look at the bigger picture others and the city or the state or the country or the Earth, they all need help, and if you are going to loot and riot why do you always pick the poor neighborhoods to loot and riot in? you have caused more pain and another person to be unemployed and have bills they cant pay and not be able to feed their family. Think before you act is all I’m asking. Please think more is all I’m asking about the bigger picture we all matter not just one race, we all do.

José Guadalupe Posada

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