I want to call attention to the lonely of this world. We are all lonely at some point in our life, but makes it worse is when you are surrounded by people or are in a relationship with someone. Here lately I have been feeling more and more lonely. I feel like I am a small boat afloat on a huge ocean with no one or land for miles around. I feel like I have no one to turn to or hear from.
Has anyone else every felt like this? Lonely yet completely surrounded. It used to be called a malady of the mind, to feel overwhelmed with loneliness and depression when you are surrounded by people. Life is what you make it, pull yourself together, buck up! And many more unhelpful things are said to you when you are feeling like this.
No one can tell you haw to feel but yet so many people do try to tell you how you should feel, especially when they say the worst phrase of all, “It could be worse.” Well, yes it could be worse, but why rub it in?
Depression is a happiness killer. Loneliness even when surrounded by people and loved ones is a killer feeling and leaves the heart and body feeling empty like a black hole. Even though if you do research you will see and find out that black holes are not quite so empty, they are always sucking in the things that come too close to them, so this loneliness and depression could not leave a hole in your chest like a black hole.
It leaves a void, like something feels like it should be there but isn’t. It leaves a sense of longing, that you will settle for any company at all, even the bad, you don’t care, just so long as that feeling goes away. Many people find themselves turning to alcohol and rugs to make the void fill with something, anything.
If you feel these maladies, you know what I am talking about. I feel this void today, I have been feeling it for weeks now, I have the love of a great man and a father that is awesome, but yet I feel empty inside. I feel like I have no joy, like nothing is good enough. Nothing feels like it can fill this void.
I would give all my worldly possessions and anything I could make in the future for the small bit of reprieve from this feeling. Suicide comes to mind so many times when I feel like this, but I then think of what it would do to my boyfriend and sons and father. Yes they would miss me, but you know they would move on and get over it, I am not that big of a part of their life to make that big of and lasting impression.
I don’t want to think like this anymore, but I just can’t get passed how it would make me feel so much better and this depression, loneliness and void would be gone. I would be free, I would not feel this emotional pain anymore.
I want so bad to have real friends and relationships with people, but I seem to always attract the worse people to me. If someone good comes into my life I do all the wrong things and make them hate me and turn away from me.
I am toxic, my mother is right, I am no good for anyone! What good does it do to be a part of my life? Why would anyone sully their life being attached to me, or being in my life? I am no good for anyone, I ruin everything I touch to include peoples lives and hearts.
I need and want to feel better, I want to be better, I want to do better and I so want to have be like me and love me and want to be around me, but I always ruin that.
Oh, well who wants to be a part of this. I am a mess. My life is a mess. I’m not successful. I am a 48-year-old, security guard with a degree and I am going nowhere! Why attach your wagon to this horse? That would be foolish!
I am no good and deserve to be alone or even better dead! Save yourself RUN!!! Get as far away from me as you can! That’s what I want to tell people who talk to me! That’s what I want to tell my boyfriend rather suffer through my moods and our disagreements, save yourself, RUN!
My Writings 