Does anyone else have some mental issues? I feel like I am all alone in the things I have been experiencing. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, insomnia, major depression and Bipolar 1. I have been trying to go medication free for a month now, and I am finding it so hard. I feel like I go 2 steps forward 3 steps or 4 steps back, especially after I go to my PTSD therapy sessions on Tuesday afternoons, it is like it throughs me into severe anxiety and depression for days, then just when I think I am getting better from it, it is time for therapy again. I have homework assignments to complete after session and it is getting harder, I have been going now for 4 weeks and I have 8 weeks to go, before this type of session is done, she says by the end of the 12 weeks I should be able to face my trauma and any other anxiety causing problems without problem and work right through them, but the more I go to this therapy and do the homework, the more I feel like I am becoming someone I don’t know and I am treating my boyfriend differently to where after 2 1/2 years together he is ready to leave me and call it quits. My psychiatrist feels I need to go back on my meds and I don’t want to go back on meds because the Veterans Admin Hospital likes to use us as guinea pigs, and I feel worse when I am on meds, but they think that I would be better and able to deal with the homework and the therapy better if I were to go back on my meds.
I feel like I am slowly losing myself and my mind. It isn’t bad enough that my mother calls me toxic, yet I was, until she blocked me on social media and decided she didn’t want to talk to me anymore, the only child out of four she has that talks to her and does and buys things for her, but now my boyfriend of over 2 years wants to leave and go his separate ways I don;t know what I am to do. I don’t think I am a different person and yet he says I am; he says I have become an asshole the last few months and want nothing to do with intimately, that isn’t true I have been working 12 and 16 hour shifts and every day, I have been going through all this therapy and having to confront my trauma from the military and it has had me depressed, anxious and basically not feeling like I want to be around people.
I have been dealing with things from work, there are three women that call me a bitch just because I like to stay on policy at work and with our job being security we are looked on and up to to stay on policy, I am sorry they feel they don’t have to and can get away with what they want, I am their supervisor and I may not get away with things so I feel I should make everyone who works on my shift stay up to policy, No, I don’t need to be their friend but they feel if I don’t speak to them I am being a Bitch, I don’t feel like unless I have anything to put out or to say I have to talk to them, I am their boss and don’t need to hold conversations with them, but they all talk shit about me behind my back, I am a person where if I have something to say I am going to be “man” enough to say it to your face, so when I hear they have said something before I go off I talk to them and ask them, they always say no, I heard wrong. I hate this area of Ohio I live in. They are all about themselves and make themselves look good at the cost of others. They hate to do the right thing and they love DRAMA! I am so ready to move away!
I am so hoping that one day I can make it as a writer because then I can quit working; I am thinking about going back on Social Security Disability for my mental health issues because my PTSD and Bipolar1 do stop me from being able to work and I am always dealing with issues and feeling like I am the one with the problems and flash backs are terrible especially now. I was on it before and when I moved to Ohio after my divorce I came off of it because I had to raise a child and live by myself and couldn’t survive off just disability, but now I have VA disability and I qualify for more Disability through the Social Security, so I am thinking I may have to go back on Disability, I can not deal with all these people and all these issues I am having.
I feel so alone right now. I feel like I should just hide under a rock and not bother with society and people, period. I have felt like this before and I ended up trying to end things. I am not that far yet, but I am getting very close to it. I don’t want to seem selfish and to leave my sons without a mother, but I just feel like I can’t do anything right. I am worthless, and a failure. I feel like I am a bad person and all I do is complain and bring everyone around me and connected to me down. I feel like I am alone and I feel so lonely and it is made worse when I am told I am acting like a different person by the person I love. I have to work on holidays, and that seems to be causing a problem, I don’t cook enough, or clean enough for him and I am just tired and feel like it isn’t worth me trying because he is always comparing me to his ex or telling me I should move back to Texas and my Ex. I hate my ex and what he put me through and wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy, so for him to say he cares about me and then say things like that, it really gets to me. I have no friends I can talk to; I used to talk to my mom and step-dad, but now my mom thinks I am toxic and she doesn’t want me around her and so, when I call my dad, he has to hide the fact he talked to me. My sons are so wrapped up in their lives that I am not even an after thought and they have a father who has told them so pretty horrendous stuff about me, to make himself look better and they believe half of what he says, so I feel like a failure as a mother. I probably sound like a whining fool and like I just need to grow up and get on with life, like everyone else does, but for me it is hard to just suck it up and move on and get on with life like everyone else, I feel things deeply and on a level most other people don’t so, for me having issues like this really cuts me down and I am not whining and feeling sorry for myself, I just feel like I had to get this out and I feel like a terrible person right now and like I should just go away.
Sorry, if I offended anyone or if you read this and feel like I am a terrible person and like I am whining and should just grow up and carry on. Please, if you feel that way, don’t read this or comment on it, because I really don’t need to read or hear any more negativity right now.
Thanks and as always Happy Writing and have a Happy Holiday season.